A conjuring

To see my life from a greater altitude, and to view my choices as an overarching geography that finally makes sense. As I strive to attempt to pierce the veil of an imagined history and recount a more honest, human story of my own journey out of darkness, I am choosing to approach this simply. Sparing no one, especially myself.

As dramatic as it sounds, it is actually pretty straightforward – to find parts of myself that were broken, becoming stronger and content to just be. The good, the bad, the petulant. Perhaps it’s the coming-of-age factor. Looking back, I think it’s so much more than that. After excavating all the hardships and struggles, it sets the stage for a come through/break through. Coming home to yourself.

In the process of rediscovering my own voice, I realize that it is much easier for me to express what I have to say in black and white. In written form rather than verbal. Yes, it is more meaningful to express any feeling verbally, person-to-person but it can get out of hand at times.

“Always think before you open your mouth.”

Have you ever experienced a situation where you blurted a nasty remark or comment you wish you could take back?

I definitely have.

With writing on the other hand, I feel much more in control. I tend to re-read sentences till it makes sense to me, first. There is also greater liberty to edit. (Keyboard warriors, take note.)

It became a natural progression, from there.

The depths and breadths of various aspects of my life and its learning curves have all contributed to a conflation of who I am today. However, I still found myself conflicted. Do I choose to clean up my life or let things be messy?

“You are so afraid to say anything wrong that you are risking not saying anything at all.”

vs

“Talk less, hurt less.”

It eventually became clear. Allow them to work in tandem; like yin and yang.

It gets annoying when I can’t seem to put words together to say the things I want to say. But they say, the best things come unexpected. It came in the form of silence.

I found that silence helps me put things into perspective. I have to flush out all the distractions to feel my own heart beating.

I am ready to tie all loose ends. I am no longer content to just conjure the antique grace of some mythic, bygone world for “your best work is ahead you. It has to be…”

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