Reflecting has become sort of second nature to me. I don’t always seem critical when I talk about things, as much as I should, but that’s because I am mostly critical of myself. When life, emotions and relationships (or a lack thereof) get a bit much, I feel the need to step back and detach myself from the self-imposed burden and just let things be; to let the river or sea take its natural course and hope that the waves will bring me back.

Every time I come into the presence of still water, I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

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Do whatcha gotta do

I question myself sometimes; am I overdoing it? Do I need to share everything? Is it too much? As much as I say I don’t care what other people think, deep down I do; like how they perceive me.

In one of the dramas I’m watching, a character explains how she wants her funeral photo to be beautiful: “I don’t want it to be the generic or usual photo taken in a studio, but a picture that will make people think, ‘That person must have lived a beautiful life.’”.

And with that I found my answer.

Always searching for that glimmer of light and hope at the end of a dark tunnel or bad dreams. People will always find an issue with my ways.I’m at the point where I am tired of keeping up with expectations and pleasing people. As long as my ways are not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, my heart will back me up. Life is hard, but amidst all the hardship I remind myself not only to lower my gaze, but also to hold my judgement and curb my ego.

I pray that I wake with good intentions every day.

All it takes is one person to trigger all the feelings I’ve felt or have yet to feel. Someone who can trigger feelings of joy, sadness, anger, confusion, warmth, kindness or hope in me; is it worth it?; you may ask. To be able to feel all these and more, I’d say, my days of feeling empty are long gone. Thus, I shall love with no regrets.

To my youth

How painful it must have been, how high must my hopes have been, all the “what do I do?”s and all those sleepless nights – yet you still manage to pull through for me. Even though you’ve disappeared and I’ve changed, but still, maybe I can be a bright light in this world.

Eden

Life definitely isn’t a bed of roses. 25 years of getting by and I’m still struggling on some days. Nevertheless, I appreciate the process. The comfort that comes when I see myself growing slowly each day is enough for me to celebrate my little achievements. At this age, the little things make a world of a difference.

Thank god for family and great friends who encourage me to build a garden of Eden in my own heart.

I’ve always tried to keep fantasy separate from reality – to protect myself from disappointment or false notions of life and love.

However, I realise now that that was all foolish ‘bravery’. Who cares if your dreams don’t turn out the way you hoped? Move on, and dream again. They say life stops when you stop dreaming.

Well, I’ve been dreaming about my new favourite drama series lately, which made me find the purpose to dream big and chase moments, and not just people.